My Idol Worship - The Ideal Me

So, this is my little confession. I have created an idol, and I worship it every day. It consumes many of my thoughts and determines even more of my behavior. This idol is the “Ideal Me”. I have grown to love this unattainable version of me because failing to meet my personal expectations only fuels how I already feel about myself. I have recently learned that fear is not an idol, it is what binds you to it. My fear of failure, of not being “good enough” has bound me to this ideal (and unrealistic) version of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God is certainly in the business of changing people, and I am open to this change. However, I focus more on this person I have always wanted to be than on the person God is forming me into. So, what does “Ideal Kim” look like, act like and do? Let me tell you:

She wakes up early, spends a great deal of time in prayer and Scripture reading.

She irons her families clothing for the day, laying it on the end of each bed.

She then makes breakfast for her family. (without ever burning the biscuits)

She packs perfect (healthy) lunches and leaves notes in each one.

She kisses her children and husband as they head out the door. At which point she is instantly filled with enough energy to throw in a load of laundry while she is taking her daily 30 minute run.

When she arrives home she showers and prepares for the day, always having her hair done and her make-up on!

She goes about her day perfectly multi-tasking between washing laundry, dusting, cleaning, preparing dinner, and running errands. Don’t forget couponing…because “Ideal Kim” saves money. (All while praying without ceasing)

She begins dinner for her family and has it ready on the table when her husband walks in the door. The children are no longer starving because she has baked homemade cookies (which fill the house with the perfect aroma) and given them milk as an after school snack.

She sits around the table with her family and after her perfect husband offers prayer for dinner she engages each person in conversation.

After dinner, we will spend quality time together as a family watching TV, playing games, and exercising.

She will approach her computer to do the days homework and finish quickly, making perfect grades, and having a perfect understanding in how to apply everything she is learning.

She will open the mail, pay the bills, and close down her computer right about the time the news is coming on.

She will sit with her husband on the couch and watch the news to become perfectly informed of the days events, because “Ideal Kim” knows about current events and politics.

Before turning in for the night she will shower, shave her legs (always), wash her face, brush her teeth, lotion her feet and legs, and then crawl into a perfectly made bed.

She will always kiss her husband goodnight, says her final prayers and then falls asleep quickly.

I am thankful for a God who loves me and my special form of crazy! I love this song by John Rueben, and wanted to share the lyrics with you. If only I could really let this sink in today!

All I have – John Rueben

Are you disappointed?
Is this world a letdown
With your head in the clouds it’s time to get down
Head on collision crushed by dreams
So we leave our hearts at the accident scene shattered pieces scattered
Who told us it was okay to allow our thoughts to be flattered
And entertained with ideas that can’t sustain
And our future once so confidently proclaimed
So where do you go from here when it all disappears
Apathy dries your tears until you don’t care or you live and die
Occupied with disclaimers and reasons as to why realize life isn’t lived in fantasies
No matter how much planning or strategy
Joy comes along with tragedy I own them all gladly
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/john_reuben/all_i_have.html ]
(chorus)
I’m alright I’m okay
I kind of like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live
I’m alright I’m okay
I kind of like doing things this way
All I have it what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live

We’re not taught trial and error
We’re not taught nor are we prepared
So we fail against everyday opponents
All the while we’re still living for glorious moments
And the media feeds the youth a false reality of what it takes to make yourself happy
And since they’ve got about a one in a billion shot
Why try and make them think it’s something that it’s not
No this ain’t a movie this is real life
The spot light don’t shine quite as bright as some might like
But that’s alright cuz the starlight at night is more of a highlight than the highlife
The air I consume from the breath of creation renews my soul everyday I awake
Ah man tell me who knew that simply being content was the dream come true

Solitude - Another Outward Discipline

Here is a continuation from "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster.

On Solitude:

I struggled through this chapter knowing conviction was coming. I was not surprised to see the correlation between solitude and silence, however I anticipated it to be more about silence when seeking solitude alone, instead, Foster discusses the additional option of practicing the discipline of silence while in a group. This comes from an inner solitude. “Under the discipline of silence and solitude we learn when to speak and when to refrain from speaking” (Foster, p.98-99) Foster also addresses how an inner solitude allows us the freedom to let “God be our justifier” (p.101) which removes from us the need to correct individuals of their wrong behaviors. Most interestingly Foster spends time discussing St. John of the cross and his writing about the Dark Night of the Soul. I am familiar with the writing, and the experience. I have recently come out of such a period. I struggled to see the benefit from this until I read this: “Be grateful that God is lovingly drawing you away from every distraction so that you can see Him clearly. Rather than chafing and fighting, become still and wait” (Foster, p.103)

Over the last few months God has reminded me of what Moses said to the people of Israel, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again” (Exodus 14:13) The Egyptians never to be seen again referred to a version of myself God was trying to purify and redeem – he needed to rid me of part of myself. There is a time for reflection, and a time to evaluate the plans God has for our lives. This must be done in solitude apart from the distractions of the world. It is only fair that as we spend time seeking to be alone with God he will remove a sense of selfishness and replace it with something greater. Because, “The fruit of solitude is increased sensitivity and compassion for others.” (Foster, p.108) When things are calm inside, it becomes much easier to focus outward.

Simplicity

I have spent the last month reading through Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. This book is intense, insightful and rather encouraging. So, after reading each chapter I am recording a brief synopsis of what God is teaching me. The following is my reflection on Simplicity - An outward discipline.

“Simplicity is freedom. Duplicity is bondage” (Foster, p.79) When I read this it immediately brought to mind Jesus’ teaching about serving two masters. A duplicitous life is one that is divided, serving both God and something of the world. This leaves us in bondage to the thing which is not God. That thing, which can be rid through a simplistic lifestyle, is for us a functional god. In addition, we complicate things of life even further when we allow ourselves to be influenced by external sources. “One moment we make decisions on the basis of sound reason and the next moment out of fear of what others will think of us.” (Foster, p.80) If we are not being drawn away from God by things we are being drawn away from God by people. In his letter to the Galatians Paul provides a great picture of how we should behave in respect to both God and people. “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10) The principals presented to help us develop this life of simplicity without becoming legalistic come to an apex with the final notation, “Tenth, shun anything that distracts you from seeking first the kingdom of God” (Foster, p.95) It is clear that God desires for us to be simplistic so that we might focus on Him and not the things of this world.

The Best of Intentions

So, most of us do things with the best of intentions. Blogging is one of those things for me. I started a blog as an outlet, uncertain if anyone would ever read it. Today, I am in a new season of life, serving a GREAT BIG GOD who is teaching me GREAT BIG THINGS about Him, myself, and others. I am thrilled to record this journey and hope anyone who comes along for the ride enjoys it as well! So...here we go!